5 weeks - 34 days - the countdown to seeing my son again begins. I've finally got around to making travel arrangement for graduation. I've never been so happy after spending so much money!! I find myself staring at his pictures more - like somehow you start to forget what he looks like - the sneer when he smiles or the hand gestures that I used to hate! I can't seem to pull up the memory of his voice though - obviously if I heard it right now I would recognize it - but I just can't seem to muster up the exact sound of it in my head. Before he left he gave me a Build A Bear Bear for Mothers Day. Of course he dressed it as a Marine - the memory of the gift still makes me tear.... The bear sits in my headboard and every night before bed I take the bears "hand" in mine and say a little prayer. Sometimes, like last night, I hold on a little longer. Heck sometimes I wake up holding the thing! Never before this experience has a stuffed animal held so many emotions for me. That's the true issue isn't it - the emotions - they come from the most unlikely sources and at the most unlikely times. I know there are hundreds of thousands of Mom's who've taken this journey - but I've been so oblivious to it all - until now. 5 WEEKS AND COUNTING!!

I just had an epiphany. I’ve been receiving far fewer letters from my son. The last one mentioned that they’re all better adjusting to their living conditions and the stress…..and it’s just occurred to me what that really means. It means he’s adjusting to his new life and therefore doesn’t need to lines that were tying him to home – to me. He was writing so much because he was homesick – now those feelings are being replaced with the thoughts and duties of becoming a marine – becoming a man. He’s not writing because he’s moving on with his own life – a life that doesn’t so much involve Mom. He doesn’t need gas money, or lunch money or just to sit and talk. He’s moving on. Does that mean I’m suppose to too? WOW. And my daughter will do the same someday. Someday they’ll both have their own lives and I’ll be stuck with…..my husband??? I guess I better start making sure I really like him! Or I guess I should say that I really like spending time with him. We do sometimes forget once the kids come along how important it is to maintain our friendships with our spouses – cause someday it’s just gonna be me and him and the dog….and while it may be a toss up as to who’s the gassiest and in my case who actually talks more….the dog can’t drive me home when I’m old and tired!!

infant wishes

You know that moment when your child is first placed in your arms, and you look down into those eyes and you see their future....and it's that moment when you begin dreaming dreams for them. Few have ever in those first moments whished that their child would excel in conversations with adults - but struggle with their peers, and breeze thru kindergarten but struggle for the remaining 12 years of school, trying to fit their square peg selves into the round holes of society. No you dream of birthday parties and bon fires, semi formals and sports teams, of watching them walk into their first prom and then finally of graduation. For some of us those things are never meant to be. Our kids never really seem to fit in to the big picture, and they shun those things that are typical to their peers. Would be go back and change them if we could - probably not - we enjoy the observations and the laughs we get from our kids who not only think outside the box - but live out there. But that doesn't mean that our hearts don't tear a bit when we see kids enter restaurants dressed for their school dances and drive by graduation parties wishing that they were in our own backyard. I know my graduation moment will be here in just over 8 weeks, and on that day this weekend will seem but a blip and I will stand tall and I will shed tears of joy as my son walks across the parade deck and earns the right to call himself a United States Marine. But for now - like many many other parents - I mend my heart and dry my eyes and like so many other times I move myself forward knowing that one day my child will find his way and make his mark in a way that only he can.