Jeannette's Diary

2010-01-05T05:01:00.000-08:00

I blame my mother! About 40 years ago she introduced me to the concept of unconditional love – attached to a tail. I don’t remember ever not having a pet. First there was our childhood dog Rebel. He was supposed to have been a cow dog, but wasn’t smart enough to know what end of the cow you were supposed to bark at when trying to bring them up to the barn for milking. He was, however, smart enough to know that he wasn’t allowed out on the road. So instead he would squeeze through or climb over fences to following us inside the fields as my brother and I walked or rode our bikes on the road. He followed us everywhere! He would even sit in the snow for what seemed like hours watching us sled or ice skate. He was also smart enough to save us from some situations that we were convinced were life threatening. I was in 8th grade when Reb developed cancer and I’ll never forget how empty the foot of my bed felt when he no longer joined me during thunderstorms.

Then there was Shane our Siamese who counseled me through my teenage years. She always seemed to know when something was bothering me and never minded when I cried onto her fur! She woke me up every morning for school by crying at the bottom of the stairs. My mother later told me that we would cry at the stairs so much that she would sound almost horse after I left for college.

That’s why it’s my Mother’s fault that I’m now taking on the care of a second diabetic animal. My husband and I have now spent more than what I used to pay a month on my first car on a 10 year old cat! And that’s just the beginning of the expenses and time commitment. I started giving him insulin shots this morning which means that I will be up, even on my days off to give shots at 4 in the morning! Yes I do think I’m a bit crazy, but how can I look into that face and say “sorry you’re not important enough to me to make the effort to keep you alive.” After all he has kept us in supply of mouse, chipmunk and mole carcasses for a decade!

Whenever we lose a pet I have always told my kids….it’s the risk you take….you can never go through the pain of losing an animal you love, but you give up the wagging tails when you get home, and the meows and the purring of unconditional love. So which would you rather be without? I guess that’s what I’ll remind myself of this weekend when I roll out of bed to find the syringe and bottle of insulin. Hopefully I’ll buy myself a few more years of Kit-Cat love!

Why I LOVE baseball!

2009-11-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

It was 1998….

…the summer that Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa captured our attention with their efforts to beat Roger Maris’ single season home run record. My daughter was only 2 at the time, but even she knew who “Mark DeDwire” was.

…it was the summer that my son Casey caught his first fly ball in left field.

…the summer that Casey had memorized and could recite all of the stats for his favorite baseball players.

…it was the year that I woke up every Saturday and Sunday morning to the sound of some baseball game on the Nintendo 64.

….the year that Casey didn’t quit hitting and pitching in the front yard until all of our baseballs disappeared into the snow.

…that fall that we watched El Duque’s high leg kicks in his pitching windup that led the Yankees to a World Series Championship against the San Diego Padres.

….it was the year that both Casey and I decided that the Yankees would be “our team”

…it was the year that I fell in love with baseball

In the years that have passed there have been difficult times in my relationship with my son, there have been arguments, worry, disappointments and tears – lots of tears….but there was always baseball. No matter how mad we might have been at each other, we could always sit down and watch a game. Or when his social life became too busy during the high school years to actually watch a game, we still had something to talk about.

The summer of ’08 was not a good one for Yankee fans; in fact it was a horrible season as we failed to even make the play-offs for the first time years. But even the losing season gave me something to write about as I struggled to pump out at letter every day just to make sure that he never went to boot camp mail call without walking away with at least one letter.

This year though – this year has been amazing. Our team marched through the season to the World Series as if it were their destiny. It was an awesome game last night, the best part though was when my phone rang at 11:46 and I heard his voice say “Are you watching Mom? Are you watching? This is gonna be it – it’s the last out” I stayed on the phone with him for the whole 4 minutes of Shane Victorino's last out and then we whooped and hollered until he said “now go to bed, you’ve got to get up early tomorrow”

But as I laid in bed and tried to relax enough to sleep, it occurred to me……even though he’s 4 thousand 4 hundred and 28 miles away…..and even though it’s been 11 months and 2 days since I’ve seen him….I was still able to share last night’s world series championship with my son.

So find some way, some topic to connect with your kids. You may find it in the most unlikely subject – but find it. I can’t even put into words what it meant to know that when that last batter was standing at home plate – it was me that Casey called – it was me that he chose to spend that moment with.

And that is why I LOVE baseball!!

Military Moms feel every loss!

2009-09-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

I was once just like most of you. I would quickly pass over the stories of lost service members in the paper….thinking that if they weren’t area losses then they really didn’t affect me. But I can’t do that any more. And I think it makes those close to me uncomfortable when I speak of such things, or when I cry about a loss in Iraq or Afghanistan…..you don’t know what to make of such emotions because they are so foreign to you. So I’m going to try to explain them to you.

As a Military parent I am often told to thank my son for the service to his country and that his sacrifices are appreciated. And while all of those who sign up to serve do make great sacrifices, what you may not realize is that their families make sacrifices too. There are few experiences outside of the military where you will go weeks or months at a time without even hearing your child’s voice. Many of us will get together with family over this holiday weekend….in our family we will celebrate the multitude of September birthdays, including my own, but no matter how many of us are there, my thoughts are always on the one member who is not there – my own son the Marine. And while I am very grateful that he has not been deployed to the sands – he is still 44 hundred miles away and it has now been 8 months since I have been able to hug him. Even a year and a half after he left home I am still frequently overwhelmed by how much I still miss him. But I will see him soon, unlike the family of Lance Corporal Joshua Bernard, whose ultimate sacrifice is reported in this morning’s paper.

You probably don’t realize that as a military parent I now feel each and every loss of a service member. Obviously not as fully as their own family, but for me, as a member of the Marine family. I know that that loss is felt immensely by each and every Marine in his unit, because I know that from their very first day of boot camp those Marines are taught that even more important than getting yourself out of a combat situation is getting the guy next you out and home safely. I know that each and every Marine is considered a brother to his fellow Marine even if they have never met. I know that Marine Mothers share a bond because we know what it’s like to miss our children and worry about them, and know that those with deployed children face the fear everyday of a government car pulling in to their drive. We live by the phrase “no news is good news.”

And while I’d love for you to from this moment forward read each and every story about our fallen hero’s, I realize that’s asking a little much. So maybe just acknowledge our sacrifice occasionally, ask us how our kids are doing – we love to brag on them – and maybe just give us a hug when there’s been another loss, and realize that there is a price being paid for the freedoms that you are enjoying, realize that it can’t always be someone else’s son.

Hair Issues

2009-06-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

Okay so this is one of those very important issues that I’m sure men don’t ever fret over. I’m trying to change the direction of my hair. I have worn my hair off to the right side of my head for …..A few years now. Okay so it’s been since college nearly 2 decades ago. But lately I’ve notice that my hair is a bit thinner on left side of my forehead – you know the area right at the center of the current “part.” So I’m thinking maybe too much direct blow drying and curling have caused damage to that particular area and it’s time to give it a rest. So flip sides, not big deal right. Oh my gosh it’s like trying to corral a 2 year old on caffeine! It just doesn’t want to “go” on its own, but I can get it there with a few squirts of super hold hair spray. The problem comes later in the day when I do my typical I’m frustrated/I’m tired fingers through the hair routine…..which I always forget and push it the wrong way! And seriously I think I look off center. The things we do to try to look good. Maybe I should just fall back on the 80’s middle part feathered hair – remember that. Or maybe I should just go back to my norm and embrace my bald-spot; guys do it all the time right????

2009-02-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

I realize that I'm WAY overdue for an update here - things have just been so crazy lately! So here's the last few months in a nutshell.....

December brought a diabetes diagnosis for our Dalmatian, Sparky. Casey was 8 and Sami just barely 2 when we brought him home and he has always been the sweetest dog, so this was particularly heartbreaking. I promised Casey that I would do whatever I could to keep him alive until he arrived home on the 19th. So I gave him twice daily insulin shots, even getting up early on the weekends to make sure he was taken care of. He did make it until Casey arrived home, but quickly went down hill and we had to have him put to sleep on the 23rd. I stayed with him until the end, and cried myself to sleep that night. I still miss him very much.

The following morning on my way to work I ran into some of that great ice/slush mix on the interstate and wrecked my vehicle - for the first time in my life. I did it well though, spinning and then rolling down an embankment! Luckily I suffered only a cut to my finger and some lingering back and shoulder pain. My pretty little car wasn't so lucky though. It was my "reliving my early years" car - and orange Chevy Cobalt, 5 speed - very fun to drive. Her name was Sunny and I cried when I left her at the tow lot. I've returned to safety and adulthood, trading the sports car for a crossover SUV. I lost about 5 mpg - which will hurt when gas prices go back up, but in exchange I got more metal surrounding me and a LOT MORE airbags!!

Casey left for Hawaii on January 2nd all full of the swagger that so many Marines carry, ready to begin his job as a Crash Rescue Firefighter, loving what it meant to be a Marine. We quickly learned that although it's "not allowed," hazing was alive an well on his base and being only 1 of 2 new members of the crew - he was a walking target. Finally after about a month of BS that was brought to an end. Things are better for him, but the whole experience leaves a bitter taste. I had read so many honorable things about the Marines and was so proud that my son chose to join in the tradition of Courage, Honor and Commitment - boy was I disappointed. I don't wear my "Marine Mom" label quite as proudly anymore. I'm hoping that will change - we'll see.

On a more positive note, we did bring a new member into our family. My daughter had been bugging us for a new dog since we lost our little house dog about a year ago, and with the loss now of Sparky we gave in. Our new baby is a Shih-Poo name Sebastian. He's mostly black with a white crest on his chest, and gray paws and face. He is adorable and has been a big bright spot in our lives. You do sometimes wonder after going through the lose of one dog why you would opt to go through that again - but as I have reminded my daughter - you can choose to save yourself the heartache and not let a pet into your heart, but then you miss out of so many memories. And you just can't beat the unconditional love. What would my day be like without those wagging tails to greet me when I walk through that door!!

I'll try to stay more on top of this in the coming days!

2008-11-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

I find myself these days often thinking back to Thanksgiving 19 years ago. I was pregnant then which allowed me to eat all I wanted to without guilt - it was a good year! 3 days later Casey arrived. Since that year his birthday and Thanksgiving have intersected several times as it will again this year.

I'm not so sure this will be as good of a year. It will be the first time I will sit down for Thanksgiving dinner without Casey at the table and the first time that I won't get to celebrate his birthday with him. I am glad that he won't be alone on this day though. His father is flying out today to San Angelo and they'll be having dinner with several of the other Marines still on base.

It still felt strange though to not celebrate his birthday with someone - so yesterday I grabbed a box of Cookie Cottage cookies and headed over to the Marine Corps Recruiting Office. When I first walked in the door I told them I could really be mad at them for making me spend the holiday without my son, but I decide to thank them instead. I thanked them for helping my son to become the man I always knew he could be.

Even during the most challenging days with Casey there was always that little glimmer of the amazing person inside him. And that was what kept me going sometimes. In the last 6 months I have watched that glimmer emerge. It is now a bright and shinning beacon and I couldn't be more proud. The transformation Casey has made in the last year has been absolutely amazing. The day he stepped into that recruiters office changed his life and gave him a passion and dedication beyond what I thought was possible. I asked him one day if he ever regretting signing over years of his life to the Marine Corps and he said "you know there are days when I hate getting up at 4 am, days when I hate all of the physical training and days where I hate the fact that I can't do whatever I want whenever I want, but you know, as much as I sometimes hate those things - I love the Corps even more and I don't regret my decision for a minute." What a proud Marine Mom I am!

By the way, the recruiters asked me to tell you that they've moved to a new location, in Glenbrook Commons across from Toys R Us and that they're still looking for a few good men and women. Happy Thanksgiving to all of the military families that will celebrate tomorrow with an empty chair at the table. You are certainly not alone!

2008-11-19T05:38:00.000-08:00

I HAVE NEVER WATCHED MY NAME IS EARL, BUT I SURE DO BELIEVE IN THE WHOLE KARMA THING.

I REMEMBER BACK IN MY EARLY 20’S WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING WITH MY CAREER, STRUGGLING WITH MY MARRIAGE AND STRUGGLING TO GET ALL OF MY BILLS PAID ON TIME – AND I NEVER SEEM TO GET THAT LAST ONE DONE. THE MORE I STRUGGLED, THE HARDER MY STUGGLES BECAME – UNTIL IT FELT AS IF I WAS JUST DROWNING IN DISPARE.

THEN I GOT SOME NEW CO-WORKER AND WE WERE FORCED TO SPEND AN ENORMOUSE AMOUNT OF TIME TOGETHER. BECAUSE HE WAS JUST A BIT OLDER THAN I WAS AND WE WERE IN THE SAME PHASE OF OUR LIVES WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT WHAT WE WANTED OUR LIVES TO BE. IT WAS THEN THAT I REALIZED THAT I NEEDED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES IN MY LIFE. MY EX HUSBAND AND I ENDED OUR MARRIAGE, AND BOTH OF US ARE NOW MUCH BETTER FOR IT. I MADE NEW FRIENDS AND ONE OF THEM INTRODUCED ME TO MY PERFECT MATCH, MY COWORKERS STOOD UP WITH AT MY WEDDING AND MY LIFE MADE A COMPLETE TURN AROUND. I OCCASIONALLY HAD TO PINCH MYSELF JUST TO MAKE SURE THE CHANGE IN FATE WAS REAL.

I’VE JUST SEEN THE OLD KARMA THING IN ACTION ONCE AGAIN. FOR THE LONGEST TIME IF SOMETHING COULD GO WRONG IN MY SON’S LIFE IT DID. OF COURSE HE WASN’T ALWAYS – OR EVEN NECESSARILY FREQUENTLY MAKING THE BEST DECISIONS. WE ALL DO DUMB THINGS IN OUR YOUTH – HE JUST GOT CAUGHT – A LOT. NEGATIVITY SEEMED TO FOLLOW HIM, AND HE TOO JUST SEEMED TO DROWN IN IT SOMETIMES. AND THEN HE DECIDED HIS LIFE NEEDED A NEW DIRECTION AND HE AS WE ALL KNOW JOINED THE MARINES. BECAUSE OF THOSE OLD CHOICES HE HAD TO WORK EXTRA HARD TO GET IN AND EVERYTIME HE HAD TO JUMP YET ANOTHER HURDLE I WORRIED THAT THAT OLD KARMA WOULD RETURN. AND THEN HE GOT IN AND LEFT FOR BOOT CAMP AND FOR THOSE FIRST FEW DAYS I WORRIED THAT I’D GET THAT CALL – BUT THEN I DECIDED – NO – I’M JUST GOING TO THINK POSITIVELY – HE WANTED THIS VERY BADLEY AND HE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH – AND HE DID. THOSE LONG 13 WEEKS THOUGH I WORRIED THAT HIS OPEN CONTRACT WOULD PUT HIM ON THE FRONT LINES – UNTIL WE ARRIVED FOR HIS GRADUATION AND WE LEARNED THAT HE WAS PICKED FOR A VERY DIFFICULT TRAINING SCHOOL AND WOULD NOT BE GOING IN INFANTRY – WOW A LUCKY BREAK – MAYBE. HE’S ALMOST DONE WITH FIRE/RESCUE SCHOOL AND HE’S REALLY ENJOYING IT. I WORRIED THOUGH ABOUT WHERE HE WOULD GO NEXT. HE DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO STAY ON THE EAST OR WEST COAST AS HE JOINED THE SERVICE TO SEE THE WORLD – SO HE ASSUMED THAT LIKE MOST NEW MARINES HE WOULD SPEND 2 YEARS IN JAPAN. HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT – AS A MOM THOUGH I WAS NOT. THAT’S SO FAR AWAY AND I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO FLY THERE. SO WHEN HIS ORDERS CAME IN IMAGIVE MY THRILL TO LEARN THAT INSTEAD OF JAPAN, MY SON WOULD BE GOING TO HAWAII. OF ALL THE PLACES, HE GETS 2 YEARS ON BASE WITH A BEACH! AND I’VE NEVER BEEN TO HAWAII – YET. LET THIS BE A LESSON – POSITIVE CHOICES BRING POSITIVE EXPERIENCES! OH AND BY THE WAY DIRK – THANKS FOR THOSE EARLIER CONVERSATIONS.

2008-09-25T07:18:00.001-07:00

Summer is now over and gone with it are my hopes for yet another Yankee appearance in the world series. It’s a good thing I’ve been too busy this summer to be disappointed by my team. Next year though – they better be better. Other than the collapse of the baseball dynasty – what an amazing summer this has been. To watch my son transition from the slacker/stoner teenage he professed to be to the confident and strong U.S. Marine has been amazing! Words cannot even come close to explaining my pride and admiration for the steps that he has taken. And it’s been fun to watch my daughter change from the shy quite little girl to the bit more vocal soon to be a teenager. Such drama already! She too is looking at her brother in a whole new light. This year instead of decorating her locker with flowers and bugs or gymnasts she has decorated it in honor of her brother. It makes me tear up every time I see it. It’s covered in red and blue and pictures from Casey’s graduation from boot camp. She’s asked me to order her a bumper sticker to add to her collection….it says “Don’t make me call my Marine!” I’m loving it. Casey is now in San Angelo Texas training to be a Crash/Rescue Firefighter. I’ve discovered that it’s a pretty tough school to make it through, both academically and physically. It makes me even prouder that he was “picked” for this school. He went into boot camp on an open contract, which means the Marines could have placed him anywhere – but they placed him in this very challenging course of study. It’s so nice to see someone else recognize the potential in him. I of course have seen it all along. It’s just that he’d kept it pretty well hidden. So it is with great pride and emotion that I say to all that have ever doubted him – I told you so!!

emotions - they never end!

2008-08-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously – will I ever stop being emotional where my son is concerned? I have an Aunt and Uncle and cousins who live in the San Diego area. They picked up my son from the airport when he returned there for his second round of training, kept him at their house for a night and then delivered him to the base the next day. They’ve been very willing to do anything to help out while he’s out there – thank goodness. I shipped them his guitar last week and they’ve been willing to take it out when they get to visit so he can at least play a song or two since he can’t have it with him right now. They’ve also helped out with a cell phone switch we’ve had to make – which is a whole nother story for a whole nother time. So I called last night to thank them for sending me his phone. My aunt answered and we discussed the challenges of being a mother of a military guy. She was the wife of one for many many years. I thanked her again for offering support and a place to stay to Casey and she commented on how nice it was to have someone around again who’s not afraid to eat!! Apparently my cousin Jimmy gave up on the endless stomach of a teenager a few years ago! I warned her that if he got too comfortable there that he’d be sure to drink all of their milk. And then I went on to explain how he’s been known to drink a half gallon a day, especially if he has some Ovaltine to mix in! She said “oh, that’s so good to know I’ll be sure to have some around for him!” Then she reassured me that she wouldn’t let him leave without a hug and a kiss and that she’d give him an extra one from his Mom. I thanked her again and hung up and cried. I am so glad that they are there to help him out and I know he’s really looking forward to hopefully seeing them all this weekend, but there’s something about someone else doing for him what I’m suppose to do! But I do know that I’d much rather have someone I love giving him a hug, than him not getting a hug at all. I know there are lots of military sons and daughters out there who would love a hug and Mom’s who’d be happy to know they’d be getting one. A reminder again to be grateful for what we do have. I know my Uncle sometimes reads this – so to Uncle Gary and Aunt Angie, Matt, Kat and Jimmy thanks so much for taking care of my Marine!!

2008-08-18T04:34:00.000-07:00

Graduation = Amazing!!

I know this bit of communication has been severely neglected, but it’s been a crazy roller coaster of a couple of weeks! If you want the short version – graduation was absolutely amazing and seeing my son again for the first time was the most emotional moment of my life. He’s returned to California to complete the next stage of his training and I’m missing him once again. If you want the long emotional version, well here we go.

When you fly in to the San Diego airport you can see MCRD – that’s the Marine Corps Recruit Depot. Looking down from that airplane my eyes filled with tears, just knowing that he was down there somewhere and I was closer to him that I had been in 13 very long weeks!

The next morning we arrived for family day about 2 hours before the Moto-Run, or the first time that we would get to see our new Marines. When we arrived though, we could see them practicing on the Parade Deck, and again the tears were there, because he was too – just a few hundred feet away. After breakfast we were to gather with the rest of the parents to get “briefed” on the day’s activities. They were really just trying to stall us and whip us into an emotional frenzy all at the same time. Luckily for me, my Uncle, who lives in the area and is a retired Military guy did some checking for me and found out where the platoons were going to be lining up. I lined myself up where I guessed Casey would be. He had already told us where to look for him in formation. When they finally started marching up I could catch just a glimpse or two of him, and then they stopped, turned towards us and then staggered. I had already been crying, again, just knowing that I would soon see him, but when they turned and staggered I was staring right at him and I just lost it. There was a mother standing next to me that I’d never met, but she was holding on to me, and I think we might have been holding each other up! Of course Casey couldn’t look right at me, he was staring straight ahead, but I was studying every inch of his face just to see if he looked different. He did. He looked more confident and a whole lot stronger. They left then on their motivational run and we saw them pass a few times before they ran back to their barracks.

It would be two more hours before we would see them again. They lined up on the parade deck and then were dismissed for 5 hours of on base liberty. I flew down those steps and was the first to grab him, and I didn’t want to let go, but his sister was right behind me and she wanted a hug too. Those five hours were amazing. Hearing all that he went through made me appreciate his effort that much more. We listened to his every word and watched him down his food in record time, and then it was time to leave. I think he was ready to get back to his structured life as well, for just a few more hours. The graduation ceremony the next day was beautiful and very formal – but too long if you ask me – I just wanted my son back.
We flew home the next day, arriving late at night. It was amazing even to see how excited the animals were to see him. His beagle couldn’t decide if he wanted to jump up on him or have his belly rubbed – he was just a very happy puppy! The next day we held a party to celebrate both his graduation from high school and basic training. I shed more than a few tears that day as well, always touched as someone new arrived, feeling grateful that they took time out of their day to share in our joy of Casey’s accomplishment. His ten days of leave went very quickly. I grabbed him the first day for some shopping and to make sure that he had a well functioning cell phone to take back with him, and that was the most time that I had alone with him all week.
My next time alone was at the airport as we prepared for him to leave again. We had about a half hour before he had to board the plane but the longer we stood there the harder it was to hold in the tears. He hates it when I cry in public so I told him that he’s better go because I couldn’t hold it much longer. I watched him make his way through security and then he picked up his stuff on the other side, waved goodbye and walked out of my view. I think that moment might have been even harder than when I left him with the recruiter. There was so much that I didn’t see that time. But this time I watched him walk through all of that without me and move on with the next step of his life – without me! I cried all the way out to my car and cried some more once inside. I sat there for about 15 minutes when it occurred to me that I might as well drive home. That he wasn’t going to call to have me come back and get him. He’s a Marine now and he doesn’t need Mom. That was a very very long day. I cried for most of it, probably because every time I turned around I found something else that he’d forgotten.
It’s been nearly a week now and I think I’m doing better. I’ve talked to him several times and tomorrow I’m shipping off his guitar and everything else that he left behind. And I’ll probably cry then too, but these tears are different. I have cried over Casey many many times in the past 18 years. Many of the tears out of frustration and worry, because he’s always been so darned determined to learn everything the hard way. Many times I’d pray – just hoping that he’d find his way to a healthy happy life. Now I cry because he’s on his way to doing just that and because I am so proud of what he’s accomplished in the last 3 months. There were a long 3 months, but just as everyone told me they would be – they were worth it!!

The Crucible

2008-07-21T04:01:00.000-07:00

I am an emotional mess. Kind of reminds me of those days when you’re pregnant and hormonal and cry because you ran out of ice cream. The closer I get to Casey’s graduation the more the emotions seem to hit – out of nowhere – everything makes me cry! Last week I was searching desperately on some on line support sites for anyone with a son in my son’s platoon. I just wanted to talk to anyone who might have even heard my son’s name mentioned in the last 12 weeks. It’s like I’m an addict in need of a dose of Casey! I did get a partial dose last night, when I received a call from a minister who’d prayed with Casey earlier in the day. He’d asked the man to call me to tell me that he loved me and that he’s ready for graduation – oh and when I come could I please bring a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

We are now just 11 days away from graduation. Today is gas chamber day and tomorrow begins the Crucible. 54 hours of sleep and food deprivation, 40 miles of hiking and 32 team challenges. I know that these will likely be the toughest hours of my son’s entire 18 years of existence. How I wish I could be there with him to encourage him along and reassure him that he can do this - and finally to see him climb that mountain and receive his Eagle, Globe and Anchor – the symbol that means that he is now a Marine.

I’ve found this poem on line – it really says it all. The author is unknown, but I know who she is – she’s a very proud Mom – and I will soon be a part of her sisterhood.

When you awoke this morning to begin the crucible
Did you know I walked every step with you that was possible?
When you humped all those miles over rough terrain,
Did you know I was by your side again?
When your rations were low and your belly was hungry,
Did you know that I wished it wasn't you but instead it was me?
When your feet ached and blistered from stress,
Did you know that I was carrying you deep in my chest?
When you were tired and sore and almost ready to fall,
Did you realize I would have carried it all?
When you had little sleep and your eyes were red,
Did you know I would have given you my bed?
When you had to push and pull for that extra mile,
Did you know that I was so proud and so tall, with such a big smile?

When you went to boot camp, I went to one too,
It's the one where mom's worry over all that you go through.
I couldn't eat dessert, knowing that you had no treats,
I felt guilty for wanting a pedicure, when you had tired feet.
I anguished over ever tough moment, I thought you had
I cried when I missed you, I cried when I was sad
I cried over your letters that declared your love for "Mom"
I cried over thinking about the day you would come home.
I cringed if I thought someone was yelling at you
Even though I knew it's what they had to do.
I lost sleep just wondering how you are
I prayed and thought and even wished upon a star.

Now you’re almost through and soon you will be
One of The Few The Proud, a New MARINE
I get an Honor too for going through the boot camp for Mom's
I get to hug you and hold you in my arms
I get to see how handsome you really are
I get my bright shining star
No I don't get a medal or a pin to wear
I don't get to sport that awesome Marine Hair
My reward is one that can't be seen
It's called "Being the Mom of a U.S. Marine."

2008-06-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

5 weeks - 34 days - the countdown to seeing my son again begins. I've finally got around to making travel arrangement for graduation. I've never been so happy after spending so much money!! I find myself staring at his pictures more - like somehow you start to forget what he looks like - the sneer when he smiles or the hand gestures that I used to hate! I can't seem to pull up the memory of his voice though - obviously if I heard it right now I would recognize it - but I just can't seem to muster up the exact sound of it in my head. Before he left he gave me a Build A Bear Bear for Mothers Day. Of course he dressed it as a Marine - the memory of the gift still makes me tear.... The bear sits in my headboard and every night before bed I take the bears "hand" in mine and say a little prayer. Sometimes, like last night, I hold on a little longer. Heck sometimes I wake up holding the thing! Never before this experience has a stuffed animal held so many emotions for me. That's the true issue isn't it - the emotions - they come from the most unlikely sources and at the most unlikely times. I know there are hundreds of thousands of Mom's who've taken this journey - but I've been so oblivious to it all - until now. 5 WEEKS AND COUNTING!!

2008-06-16T03:54:00.001-07:00

I just had an epiphany. I’ve been receiving far fewer letters from my son. The last one mentioned that they’re all better adjusting to their living conditions and the stress…..and it’s just occurred to me what that really means. It means he’s adjusting to his new life and therefore doesn’t need to lines that were tying him to home – to me. He was writing so much because he was homesick – now those feelings are being replaced with the thoughts and duties of becoming a marine – becoming a man. He’s not writing because he’s moving on with his own life – a life that doesn’t so much involve Mom. He doesn’t need gas money, or lunch money or just to sit and talk. He’s moving on. Does that mean I’m suppose to too? WOW. And my daughter will do the same someday. Someday they’ll both have their own lives and I’ll be stuck with…..my husband??? I guess I better start making sure I really like him! Or I guess I should say that I really like spending time with him. We do sometimes forget once the kids come along how important it is to maintain our friendships with our spouses – cause someday it’s just gonna be me and him and the dog….and while it may be a toss up as to who’s the gassiest and in my case who actually talks more….the dog can’t drive me home when I’m old and tired!!

infant wishes

2008-06-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

You know that moment when your child is first placed in your arms, and you look down into those eyes and you see their future....and it's that moment when you begin dreaming dreams for them. Few have ever in those first moments whished that their child would excel in conversations with adults - but struggle with their peers, and breeze thru kindergarten but struggle for the remaining 12 years of school, trying to fit their square peg selves into the round holes of society. No you dream of birthday parties and bon fires, semi formals and sports teams, of watching them walk into their first prom and then finally of graduation. For some of us those things are never meant to be. Our kids never really seem to fit in to the big picture, and they shun those things that are typical to their peers. Would be go back and change them if we could - probably not - we enjoy the observations and the laughs we get from our kids who not only think outside the box - but live out there. But that doesn't mean that our hearts don't tear a bit when we see kids enter restaurants dressed for their school dances and drive by graduation parties wishing that they were in our own backyard. I know my graduation moment will be here in just over 8 weeks, and on that day this weekend will seem but a blip and I will stand tall and I will shed tears of joy as my son walks across the parade deck and earns the right to call himself a United States Marine. But for now - like many many other parents - I mend my heart and dry my eyes and like so many other times I move myself forward knowing that one day my child will find his way and make his mark in a way that only he can.

Memorial Day Emotions

2008-05-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

I miss my son. It's been just three weeks, but sure feels like much longer. He's always kind of there on the tip of my tongue and at the back of my brain but today I'm missing him so badly I literally feel my heart breaking. I receive a letter from his Saturday - he'd written it on Wednesday - apparently the first day that he'd not received anything at mail call. I had a letter than I'd written to him returned to me on Saturday as well - I'm guess it was the letter that should have been delivered to him on Wednesday. He said his heart broke not to hear something from home and that made me even sadder - that I'd let him down somehow. I'd have given anything to have been able to call him - to tell him that not a day has gone by that I haven't written to him and thought of him and missed him. But there are no phone calls from Mom at Boot Camp - no hugs to let him know that I love and miss him. I know that he's bonding with his platoon mates - they all miss home - and that the bonds that he's making now will last him a lifetime. They are the bonds forged during difficult times. They are all learning together what it means to call yourself a marine. I know - all children have to grow up and grow away from Mommy - but I just want to talk to him - make sure he knows how proud of him I am and how much I can't wait until graduation.